Photo taken by my daughter, age 12
“For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.”
Colossians 1:13-15
“Praise be to the Lord, the God of Israel, because he has come to his people and redeemed them."
Luke 1:68
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come."
2 Corinthians 5:17
My
faith walk has been been filled with joys and trials, and I have often faltered
along the way. During my teens, when I had recently discovered Christ, I knew I
needed Him, but I didn’t understand Him. I remember that I struggled to walk
away from doing things that were blatant sin, and instead, negotiated my
repentance with Him. I remember rationalizing my sin in my prayers, explaining
to Him why I couldn’t stop committing one sin or another. Later, as a young
adult, I think I began to believe I was walking with Him, because I wasn’t
doing anything that some other Christians weren’t doing, so I figured I was
being faithful. But, then one day, I remember falling on my face as I realized
just what was wrong with my belief system.
I
was reading my bible, and I remember reading something that changed me
forever. I can’t even remember the
verse, but I remember what I learned that day.
The old has passed away…
Before
I share, what I learned, I want to share why I needed to be changed. My heart
had a painful history, but still a loving Father beckoned to me in so many
ways!
An
amazing grandfather took me to church when I was eleven, but died in my arms,
in my kitchen floor, when I was thirteen. Faithful believers continued pouring
their energy into a messy, rebellious teen, for four more years, after I gave
my life to Christ, at youth camp in July 1987. However, I was me-centered, and didn’t even
realize that I refused to accept the things they tried to teach me.
By
2000, I had gone through a painful divorce, and my sweet friends, at a new church,
helped me through this difficult time. Subsequently, I became involved with
another man and then went through an earth-shaking unplanned pregnancy. My
friends at church were there for me again. However, my life felt broken, and now,
I’d been abandoned by this man who had used a lie to manipulate me. I had walked
headlong into many situations trying to ease my pain but seeking comfort in the
world, rather than the promises of a loving Father. I felt unworthy to be
around Christians any longer, but desperately needed to cling to whatever shred
of faith I still had, or I feared that my children would have no hope, as they
were being raised by someone who loved them, but had no idea how to be the
mother they needed. I remarried, my sweet husband, and then struggled to find a
church because I felt so burdened by my past mistakes. Sadly, somewhere along
the way, I was told that the Bible contained errors, and therefore, was encouraged
to overlook some verses, that simply don’t apply to Christians, today.
The new has come…
But
then, during my pregnancy with my little girl, I was reading the Bible, and
realized that something was terribly wrong. This is the day that my walk was
forever changed.
I
realized that if some verses were erroneous, how could I trust John 14:6?
“I am the way, the Truth, and the Life, no one comes to the Father, except through me?”
John 14:6
I
remember scanning through the Bible, reading verse after verse, and being
confronted with my own broken heart. Every person who had ever known me, knew a
liar. I professed to love Him and said they should, too, but I wasn’t trusting
Him myself.
I
realized that I needed to trust every verse in His precious book, or trust none
of them. There is simply nothing in
between.
After
that day, I began walking quite differently. I began loving people more and I
let go of many bitter grudges that were rotting me from the inside out. I
realized that I could not expect from anyone what I am not willing to do first.
In Christ, we are a new
creation…
I
still struggle daily with this feeling of inequality with other believers. I
have spent so many tears weeping over my mistakes. I grieve over my poor faith
walk, which has likely led many away from a mercy-filled, grace bestowing,
Father, who wants me to point people TO Him. Despite feeling forgiven by Him, I
have not been able to forgive myself for having been such a pitiful light for
people who needed to see Him.
Recently,
however, I read Isaiah 38:17, and my hungry heart stopped. I read the words,
and reread them.
“Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish. In your love you kept me from the pit of destruction; you have put all my sins behind your back.”
Isaiah 38:17
What
I read in this verse spoke to me, and has spoken to me daily since. I already realized that He does allow us all
to suffer, and I’ve never expected not to struggle. I knew that through our
suffering, we sometimes glean valuable lessons. However, the final phrase
literally leaped from the page. “…you have put all my sins behind your back.”
I
read it over and over. He who is the Alpha and Omega, with no beginning and no
end. He who spoke the world, and
everything in it, into existence. He who
sent His own, precious, Son, for me, did not cast my sin behind MY back.
No.
For there, it would have lurked behind me and kept me prisoner.
He
cast it behind HIS back. And if He is who I know Him to be, then why do I keep
re-trying myself for every crime I’ve ever committed?
Now,
don’t get me wrong, I’m not the person I hope to one day be. I never will be; not
until He returns and perfects us all. But, this verse is extremely refreshing
to a thirsty heart. He doesn’t want me to continue holding my past crimes
behind me. He wants to forgive me and move forward, a justified sinner, saved
by Grace, and obedient to His whispers in my heart.
I
cannot tell you how freeing this was for me to read. My heart breaks when I see
people hurting one another, and I keep feeling a burden to share what this
verse means to me, in case maybe they are acting to protect their own
inner-brokenness, too. Yet, I have not shared it, out of fear.
Fear
of condemnation by those who have not erred as much as I have. Fear of mistakes
that are yet to come.
Our
Father doesn’t want us to live in fear. He doesn’t want us to remain a prisoner
of the evil one. I am so thankful for this, and I hope my long story might
resonate with someone else. Thank you for
taking the time to read.
By grace alone, Ashley
“There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.”
1 John 14:18